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On Writing and Humanity

I’ve read several times that it is a good sign when you look back at your old writing and think that it’s terrible. The jury is still out on whether that knowledge helps with the cringe-worthy experience. I have a lot of fun being quirky in my writing, but reading past efforts really shows how careful it behooves me to be with the quirky stick.

On the bright side, at least I am amused by myself. That doesn’t pay the bills, but it certainly enriches life’s experiences. Especially if one is determined to spend hours a day with their face underwater and only themselves for company.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently, as I have joined introverts in not minding the pandemic isolation. A friend summed it up well last night, “It turned out, my introversion did have limits.” But my own limits turned out to be much more isolation than I ever would have predicted.

That got me thinking about my happiness in relation to human contact. Starting from the beginning – I think it’s fair to say that elementary school was abject misery for me. It was boring academically (I sat there dreaming of private tutors), and I was teased beyond my levels of tolerance. We can discuss whether my levels of tolerance were reasonable, but this passage isn’t about how I should feel around other people, it’s about how I do feel. (I should be clear, my life outside of school was fine, and my life on swim team good to great.)

Middle school was academically better – I had some interesting classes with good teachers, but socially even more miserable (but then again, whose wasn’t? My son is enjoying middle school – I find this bizarre). High school was a mixed bag of academic satisfaction, and socially it did get better over the course of 3 years. Oddly, the dating of (also very nerdy) boyfriend improved my general social experience markedly. To be clear “markedly” still had a long way to go.

In college I was happy in school for the first time. It was like finally being able to take a deep breath, surrounded by people who, for the first time, cared about the same things I cared about and were interested in the same things that I was. I learned how to, if not fit in, at least stop annoying people so much. Though it turned out I was still annoying people more than I thought. 

Grad school was back to abject misery, but with a flip – I was professionally miserable, but socially taking advantage of my newly learned skills. Although… until I started writing this, I never understood why this comment from a “friend” rankled (and still rankles) me so much – “You don’t annoy us anymore.” I’m just really, really bad at not annoying people. My professional misery was also attributable to people – I loved the science, but we are well past the days when science can be done in a vacuum. And some of the people filling that vacuum were both unavoidable and almost physically painful to me.

Then I worked mostly independently as a coach (and course organizer, and…) in SF. And I was pretty happy.

Then I raised kids and worked part time in NC. And I was happy. With the exception of my two 4-month stints coaching HS swimming. Most of the parents were great. But the ones who weren’t made my life a misery to me. Getting up at 4:30 every day while raising a 1-year-old and a 4-year old was a real treat too, but when I look back, it’s the parental interactions that give me the shivers.

Then came the pandemic – and I am happy. The first three months were rough – all of the things I had been working toward were in doubt, and it was definitely too much isolation. But once I got back in the pool and started getting to see my Masters swimmers again, I would say that this has been one of my own eras of greatest personal satisfaction. I know how lucky I am that we have been financially stable and healthy and that the kids have handled the pandemic well. I know that it’s not just not having to deal with negative people that has allowed me to find joy in this time. But it is no small part of it.

The unavoidable conclusion? People make me miserable. Now, it’s very likely that if you are reading this, you know me. I want to make it clear that you don’t make me miserable. If everybody were like you, there would be no problem. Alas, everyone is not.

And it should be said that I do not think that happiness is the only worthy goal. I tolerate people I would prefer not to for a variety of reasons – duty, a higher good, for the sake of others, etc. And even if those interactions reduce my happiness, I think that they increase my satisfaction and self esteem (gosh, do I hate that phrase – but you know what I mean. I want and need to be a good enough person to look myself in the mirror each day.) But I will never again consider a job, living situation or social pattern without considering the people with whom I will be in contact, and their effect on my psyche. 

PS – If you’re wondering whether I thought to question the wisdom of drawing conclusions about a long and complex life from few-sentence summaries of it’s phases – sure I did. I did it anyway. I’m a wild woman, playing fast and loose with self-analysis. If that annoys you, well… fits.

The next day’s take

I was watching “Dickinson” last night (what a weird show), and the episode “The Soul has Bandaged Moments” had something very pertinent to say: “If you can’t handle the mess of the world, then why would anyone want to hear what your poems have to say. Writing that shuts real life out is as good as dead.”

I’m no Emily Dickinson, but I think its worth thinking about for everyone – What amount of the world’s mess should we attempt to tolerate? Do our talents vary in this area? Is becoming hardened to the maddening crowds adaptive… or prohibitive?

I don’t have any answers… other than knowing that people care far more about interpersonal relationships than how many yards I swam last week.

And then I went looking for a quote…

And of course, it turns out that so many have expressed it so much more eloquently than I.

I think Lord Byron captures my feelings best: 

“There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,

There is a rapture on the lonely shore,

There is society, where none intrudes,

By the deep sea, and music in its roar:

I love not man the less, but Nature more” 

Lord byron

Counterpoint:

“Solitude gives birth to the original in us, to beauty unfamiliar and perilous – to poetry. But also, it gives birth to the opposite: to the perverse, the illicit, the absurd.” 

― Thomas Mann, Death in Venice and Other Tales

It’s all about the right companionship:

“I want to be with those who know secret things or else alone.” 

― Rainer Maria Rilke

True for me:

“A man can be himself only so long as he is alone; and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom; for it is only when he is alone that he is really free.” 

― Arthur Schopenhauer, Essays and Aphorisms

Audrey Hepburn – surprising:

“I have to be alone very often. I’d be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That’s how I refuel.”

(Audrey Hepburn: Many-Sided Charmer, LIFE Magazine, December 7, 1953)” 

― Audrey Hepburn

A little self-serving, Aldous?:

“The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.” 

― Aldous Huxley

Another counterpoint:

“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it’s not because they enjoy solitude. It’s because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.” 

― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

And there had to be a Walden quote:

“I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.” 

― Henry David Thoreau, Walden

Sing it, sister:

“My imagination functions much better when I don’t have to speak to people.” 

― Patricia Highsmith

Giving Thanks

We are headed into the week of Thanksgiving and what better time for a very broad thank you?

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to those who smile when they could frown. Who find a way to say “yes” when “no” would have been so easy. Who offer help simply out of the goodness of their hearts. Who leave the world a better place than they found it.

I strive to be one of you.

There are a lot of petty annoyances in life – these people are the bright spots in days that are sometimes filled with tedium. These are the people who make you want to go to work or school or activities. These are the people who show us all how it is possible to live.

PS – Specific thanks to Mandy for being one of those people this week!

Bad Thanksgiving Jokes

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? 

Pilgrims.

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

Open Water Swims (yes, plural!)

Thursday the 18th – Another great swim with Sam.

By the books, 5.23 miles, 9300 yards. Water temp between 59 and 61. Air temp between 70 and 75. Slowed down a lot in the last hour – no Sam and protecting the shoulder. (Plus I was swimming back and forth, so most of those splits also including turning around in the water. I suspect it was actually a longer swim (and that the GPS didn’t read well going back and forth) – pacing says I was 2:00 or more per 100 doing freestyle – I think not).

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Friday the 19th – Another great swim with Melissa 🙂

Car said 53 when I got there, 53 when I left. Water temp was between 58 and 59 all day. 4000 yards in 1 hour. I wore fins since my shoulders were very, very knotty this morning. I felt like this loosened them up… for the first 3000. The last 1000 was a bit dicey, shoulder-wise, but I attempted to get my core and hips into it and was at least mildly successful.

It is really hard to concentrate on technique as I get colder (I never went full claw, but couldn’t straighten my fingers after about 40 minutes – 53 degrees and windy is COLD, even with bright sunny sunshine!). So this was good experience trying to do so.

It was crazy out on the lake – big rollers and lots of chop, even though it didn’t seem windy at all when I pulled up in the car.

After getting warmed up at the beginning, I did not feel like I was pushing myself (Don’t forget this was with fins). See below for questions on the accuracy of these splits and the blood, sweat and tears it took to generate this table. (OK, I was sitting in my bed, but still! It took, like, 30 minutes! Sweatshop labor!)

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England Business and Thoughts on Life for the week of November 15-19

11/15 – Spent my EC time obsessing over medications and trying to figure out what has worked for people for seasickness. I am not prone to it, and this kind of seems like a waste of time and a potentially unnecessary drug to take (especially as I will already be taking more drugs simultaneously than I ever have in my life). For now, I’m going to let it go. A decision I could really regret if I’m tossing my cookies in the middle of the channel.

I spent awhile on jellyfish as well. This (https://www.openwaterswimming.com/incorrect-and-dangerous-use-of-epi-pens/) was interesting to see about epi pens and jellyfish (TLDR: don’t use an epi pen for jellyfish stings). And also that vinegar is ineffective.

It only ever takes a morning of googling for me to decide that we know nothing and I might as well go back to my strategy of taking things as they come and crossing my fingers. 

11/16 – Meant to type up all of the info on Channel medications and start looking for an apartment – does looking at my notes and opening a web browser count?

I did get my blog post up – a day or two earlier than expected. So, not nothing.

11/17 – Submitted applications (took forever, as always) to the only 2 private schools with spaces open in the right years. (Well, sent them emails with everything but the payment so they can check it over and to ensure that there ARE still spaces, before I pay).

Still waiting to hear back from the public school that expressed interest in an exchange program.

Looked at a few apartments with Eric – there are some very satisfactory things available now… but will they be available in March? I’m willing to start a month early, but not much more than that. I emailed one of the realty companies to ask about one of the rental properties – I figure that will get the ball rolling. If not, I can contact more tomorrow.

And to finish off the list – here are my notes on the most common drugs taken before and during channel swims:

Claratin, Allegra, and Zyrtec – from least to most potent, these are non-specific antihistamines that can help with jellyfish stings. People start taking them a week in advance of their swims. They are somewhat sedating. My doctor recommended starting with the most potent (Zyrtec) and seeing if I tolerate it well.

Pepsid – an H2 blocker antihistamine – for this reason, taken in concert with the above to combat jellyfish stings (usually started 24 hours before, and according to package directions)

Benadryl – another antihistamine – in liquid form, can be given as part of a feed if needed during the swim. Grogginess can be a problem. It has not made me sleepy when I’ve taken it recently, and Dr. Capps thinks the adrenaline of the situation would likely negate the grogginess.

Scopolamine – prescription anti-nausea patch. A non-selective anticholinergic. It is strong. I don’t remember what I took when I had my wisdom teeth out, but I question if I would tolerate it well or if it is necessary. It does not tend to cause tiredness, whereas something like Dramamine would tend to (also an antihistamine – that’s a lot of anti-histamines). You can wear the patch for 72 hours – the internet recommended putting it on 5-6 hours before. There was an acknowledgement that it might not stay on in the sea (you’d have to tape it or something?) Is that legal per CS&PF?

I am not enthusiastic about this one… of course, neither am I enthusiastic about tossing my cookies into the channel. I could go ahead and get the rx so that I have it…

Epi Pen – I’m not going to do this. The chances are slight and the internet says it doesn’t work for jelly fish stings (not an allergic rxn?) anyway. I can get one if I hear different. But there is such a thing as too prepared.

Liquid ibuprofen – we didn’t talk about it… I’m assuming it’s fine

Now I just spent a silly amount of time researching Safe Sea sunscreen/anti-jellyfish sting lotion… only to conclude… meh?

Look, I just want to walk off of England and swim till I can walk onto France. Without bringing along a pharmacist, dermatologist, nutritionist, and EMT to do it!

11/18 – What the heck did I do this morning? Oh yeah, downloaded swimmer videos to my iPad (stupid Dropbox!) and packed for a 3-hour swim at the lake.

Evening Update: After I got home and showered from the swim, I saw a text that I might have to coach the Friday morning session at 6:30. The Friday morning session that I had counted on not having to haul myself out in the cold to coach. Alas, I suspected that my carefully laid recovery plans were now in doubt. That doubt turned to certainty after talking to my boss at the end of evening practice. I compounded my problems by trying to get the lights back on in the shelter at the pool so that we would be able to see in the morning… but instead turned the pumps off. Thanks to Jon for not being mad that I wasted 20 minutes of his evening as well.

I made it up in the morning, and it wasn’t too bad. But the time hits kept on coming – as I was driving away, I saw someone trying to get into the pool. I asked if everything was OK and, no, when they worked on the electrical the day before (the electrical work that resulted in my Thursday evening problems), they did not put the keys back in the lockbox. So I walked the service technician around, unlock and locking the doors she needed to get into.

And then I came home to a sniffly kid – so now I do not have the kid free day I was planning, and we have to go get him a covid test. Again. Second time this week.

I’m so done.

11/19 – So here is what I want. I want a book. A book with a step-by-step guide and checklists for an American swimming the English Channel. Unfortunately, I seem to be writing that book instead of being able to read it.

My current dissatisfaction was triggered by this morning’s efforts to find travel insurance that would cover the case in which, for whatever reason, my swim could not take place. I just had an acquaintance who was unable to get away (due to weather) for her Channel swim. Being out the $4000+ bucks does not appeal. But my efforts yielded no fruit. And took up my time.

On the bright side, I got my lists into much better order, plan to work on them with the family this weekend, and then will be able to cross “lists” off of my list. I hope you’re finding the humor in this… so far I am still able to.

I also got a great email from the admin at A’s potential school – it was the bright spot of my morning, and I told E to remind me (when I am complaining that everything takes forever, is a pain in the butt, and that nobody is helpful) that people are awesome: 

“When you get to England, it would be great if I could organize for you to come in and chat to the children in the school so we can get behind you and support you and A?  The children would get to ask you questions which would be so encouraging and motivating to all the young children.  How are you getting on with plans on where to stay when you get to England.  Is your husband coming with you or will it just by you and your children?  (I might even be able to help you if you are looking for a house.)”

Now, off to eat so that I can go be cold again. With a lighter heart 🙂

11/20 – Ahhhh, rest. Lying like a dead thing is the best. I did also spend a ridonkulous amount of time figuring out the 100 splits from the swim that Melissa and I did yesterday. If anyone knows a good way to get readable splits out of the Form Goggle app and/or is familiar with Excel macros and/or Visual Basic, I beg of you to let me know 🙂

You know you’re not an influencer when there is zero impact from posting about your frustrations with a product that would love your support if it knew about you. Like, why Form? You’ve got a good product here. But why, oh why on earth would you not enable one of the most obvious readouts that OW swimmers would want – their splits!

Is it fun to see data in real time? Yes, definitely. Does it keep me company out there in the cold? Assuredly… to a degree that would be sad if it didn’t make me so happy. But I question the accuracy of the GPS data and really, really loathe trying to get it to give me the data when I use it.

And then, 45 minutes to make one international wire transfer. I got halfway through the first one and realized I needed their bank name and address (and didn’t have it). So I sent an email to get it. Then I got 90% through the second when my banking session timed out without warning and I had to go input everything again (from the website, my email, AND the PDF document). Took forever. Well, 45 minutes. Phew.

The Week at the Pool

Summary – OW is the best!

Pool Yardage ~ 19,500

OW Yardage ~13,300

(I think this is an underestimate on Thursday)

Temp – 58-61

Total Yardage ~ 32,800

This week was all about getting the shoulders to un-knot. No annihilation Tuesday, plenty of fin usage and Saturday and Sunday off with a 3x’s a day regimen of tennis balling and stretching. There is still one rope in my upper right shoulder that will. not. loosen. 

I have a suspicion that it is the muscle that pulls my arm over to avoid hitting people in the next lane. The fact that my hand is still bruised from whacking into M last week makes it hard not to go overboard on this.

The Gory Details

Monday 11/15 – Theme: For realsies recovery… again! (~5200)

• 1000 swim
• 1000 kick (either my count was way off or theirs was. Or I suppose it could be that we were both reasonably off, in different directions). Still counting it as 1000 since I did some extra while others were finishing the first 1000
• 1000 pull (fins – getting serious about the shoulders)
• 10×50 kick on :55
• 10×50 pull on :50
• 10×50 swim on :45 (fins so I could start to warm down)
• 400 – 100 R arm, 200 smooth, 100 L arm (took it easy on the one arm, but could do it painlessly)
• 300 CD

Tuesday 11/16 – Theme: NOT Annihilation Tuesday (~7000)

I’ve decided that I’m not allowed to do crazy things until I’m able to fully relax my upper back muscles. They were better today, but not there yet, so just a regular Tuesday for me (well, I did go 15 minutes early).

• 650 with the seniors (worked on distance-per-kick… for the first time ever… and kick cadence – I think I could use some more work on these)
• 1500 w-up
• 200 ez
• 5×100 25 drill/50kick/25swim – my free and back felt really good when I really worked on abs in and driving everything together with a strong kick. Unfortunately, this completely fell apart on the next set
• 5×200 – R arm/L arm/R arm/L arm/ 100 swim (IM order, last one choice. Since back was the only think I could comfortably make (and it’s the only good stroke), I did that)
• 5×300 free on 4:10 – 3:56, 3:54, 3:51, ?, 3:46 – stroke was OK
• 3×400 IM (50 drill/50swim; 25 drill/75 swim; swim) I used these as pre-cool down
• 500 cool down

Wednesday 11/17 – Theme: Distancey distance (~7300)

• 1600 w-up
• 3×500 descend 6:40 (I wore fins)
• 5×100: fast, 75 f/25 e, 50/50, 25/25, easy 1:40
• 2×500 descend 6:55 (I wore fins)
• 5×100 – same as above
• 1×500 fast (I wore fins)
• 200 ez
• 10×100 with fins (everyone) – 75 kick/25 swim. Alternated free and back and held 1:11’s. 
• 500 ez

It’s frustrating to feel like I’m not doing the workout correctly, but the fins really do help my shoulders, and my focus now is getting them ready to handle Christmas training. So, I’ll do what I gotta do. Really enjoyed the last set, when I was actually supposed to be wearing the fins.

Thursday 11/18 – Theme: Playing hooky (~9300)

Instead of going to practice today, I headed out to Falls Lake with Sam for (probably) one of the last warm days of the season. 3 hours in the water – it was lovely. Car said 75 when I got there, 70 when I left. There WAS a ferocious wind (the sailboat guy leaving looked frazzled 🙂 . I’ll look up water temps later, and swim data is on the phone and goggles. But whatever it was, it was really nice. Sam made it an impressive 1h45 and then was nice enough to sit on the beach and babysit me for another hour (after she got her wetsuit off). I was really great for 1.5 h, then just had some hand clawing. It is much more noticeably annoying after a couple of months of being able to swim normally – it definitely slows me down. But it doesn’t stop me, I felt great, hardly shivered afterwards and am ready for more!

Friday 11/19 – Theme: Another great OW swim (~4000)

Car said 53 when I got there, 53 when I left. 4000 yards in 1 hour. I wore fins since my shoulders were very, very knotty this morning. I felt like this loosened them up… for the first 3000. The last 1000 was a bit dicey, shoulder-wise, but I attempted to get my core and hips into it and was at least mildly successful.

Temp graph says between 58 and 59 all day

It is really hard to concentrate on technique as I get colder (never got full claw, but couldn’t straighten my fingers after about 40 minutes – 53 and windy is COLD, even with bright sunny sunshine!). So this was good experience trying to do so.

It was crazy out on the lake – big rollers and lots of chop, even though it didn’t seem windy at all when I pulled up in the car. It’ll be interesting to see the difference between the splits on the way out and on the way back (my goggle view was reading an overall average of 1:37 on the way out and it was down to 1:34 by the finish, so clearly more speed on the return. If I could do differentials in my head I could figure out how much 🙂